What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 06:04
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I waited trembling.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Would you let your partner cheat on you every now and again?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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One cannot live in the past .
I was seconnd youngest,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
What are some effective ways to cope with loss and grief?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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Would this be the day?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
How could Trump, with his deplorable garbage supporters, manage to win an election?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My life is so biszare .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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So whats the point in blame.
Comes on , in middle age.
What did i know ?
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was scared of men, in general
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Women like what they hear while men like what they see, it that true?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My family never makes their pension either.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
All the time i was locked up.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But, we were locked up after school.
He knew the spot.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
When she asked me how she looked .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We all went to grammer schools
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I will be 64.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So, i spoilt her more .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Put me off passion for life!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She wouldn,t have been !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We were not on the streets..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is soul school!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i lived it daily.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She loved him until the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She found it foreign!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Who then, do I blame.?
But it wasn’t much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I write beautiful poetry .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was very sick at this time too.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I have no regrets .
I said to her
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I couldn’t, believe it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She married twice! .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was 9 years of age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im still living with it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The only rule us 5 kids had .